"I don't shine if you don't shine"

I haven't always made friends with other women easily.

I was often uncomfortable around many other girls or women my age because I felt like there was some odd competition going on between us. If I perceived another woman to be prettier, smarter, more talented, skinnier, etc., I would become intimidated, withdrawn and defensive. To mitigate my insecurities, I would inwardly put the other girl down.

"Well, she might be prettier than me, but ... I went to a better school than she did and I'm probably smarter than her! So there, hah!"

While these thoughts made me feel a tad better in the moment, they did nothing to solve a large, underlying problem.

I know other women deal with these feelings of insecurity and envy by badmouthing their peers, inwardly or outwardly.

Hell, I can remember feeling like this as early as Kindergarten. There was one instance in which my teacher, Ms. Hill, praised a picture of a butterfly that a fellow student, Whitney, had colored. I had colored the same picture, but my work didn't evoke a response from the teacher.

I remember the inward sting of envy I felt. From that moment on, I hated Whitney ... For, let's be honest, no good reason.

I think Amy Schumer did a wonderful job illustrating this strange competitive tendency among women in a sketch:

And on that note, Amy Schumer really hits the nail on the head when it comes to addressing many issues women face.

This way of thinking wasn't doing me -- or anyone else -- any favors.

A few months ago, I was introduced to a concept called "Shine Theory." The term was coined by journalist and all-around badass, Ann Friedman (oh yeah, she has an awesome name, too), who wrote an article summarizing the theory for New York Magazine. Friedman and Aminatou Sow frequently discuss Shine Theory on their fem-tastic podcast, Call Your Girlfriend (THIS IS A MUST LISTEN!).

Friedman articulates feelings that I had experienced but never identified for what they were -- or even realized were problematic. The tendency to hate and resent women who I perceive to be doing better than me rather than being happy for them.

"But even if it were somehow possible to objectively evaluate all of our female peers against ourselves, it’s worth asking why we’re spending all this time creating a ranking system in our minds. When we hate on women who we perceive to be more “together” than we are, we’re really just expressing the negative feelings we have about our own careers, or bodies, or relationships."

And she proposes a genius solution.

"When you meet a woman who is intimidatingly witty, stylish, beautiful, and professionally accomplished, befriend her. Surrounding yourself with the best people doesn’t make you look worse by comparison. It makes you better."

...

"I want the strongest, happiest, smartest women in my corner, pushing me to negotiate for more money, telling me to drop men who make me feel bad about myself, and responding to my outfit selfies from a place of love and stylishness, not competition and body-snarking."

*Praise hands emoji*

This way of thinking has changed my life. Seriously. Spending more time around women who have qualities I admire has boosted my confidence. Doing my best to set aside arbitrary competitiveness has made me happier all around.

The envy still creeps up from time to time. I don't ignore my true feelings. I validate them, grapple with them and ultimately try to end up in a healthy place -- Not wallowing in negativity.

Now, GO OUT AND SUPPORT ALL YOUR LADY FRIENDS!

via GIPHY